Apple News Generator (Patent Pending)
Dateline:
[ ] Cupertino, CA
[ ] Mountain View, CA
[ ] Redmond, WA
[ ] Provo, UT
[ ] Rome
Informed sources reported today that Apple Computer Inc. is in the process of
being acquired by
[ ] Sun Microsystems.
[ ] Hewlett-Packard.
[ ] Sony.
[ ] AT&T.
[ ] IBM.
[ ] Oracle.
[ ] Motorola.
[ ] Apple employees.
[ ] the Vatican.
Experts estimate a deal should be finalized
[ ] within the month.
[ ] later this week.
[ ] in a matter of hours.
[ ] before the next shareholder's meeting.
[ ] in time for Mass on Sunday.
Apple stock skyrocketed on the news in early trading, but plummeted later in
the day when it was disclosed that
[ ] Michael Spindler had permanently attached himself to his office with SuperGlue.
[ ] Bill Gates was seen opening his checkbook at a Motorola board meeting.
[ ] the acquisition offer consisted of nothing more than a large trunkfull of beads and assorted trinkets.
[ ] each of 87 top Apple executives had golden parachutes worth more than all the unsold Performas left over from last Christmas.
Wall Street has been predicting an acquisition for some time, but Apple
leadership has consistently fought off all merger attempts. However, experts
believe that this particular merger makes sense because in this case,
[ ] there is no overlap of market focus between the two companies.
[ ] both companies currently concentrate on the same target markets.
[ ] their products are similar.
[ ] their products are completely different.
[ ] both companies encourage employees to display large extinct reptiles in their workspaces.
Said one experienced trader on the NASDAQ floor: "Yes, I know we've reported this sort of thing before, but this time we really mean it. Honest. I'm not joking, you know. I'm dead serious. This time it's for real. I kid you not. Trust me on this."
Sources close to Apple's board of directors speculate that the final straw
prompting this merger was
[ ] rapidly shrinking profit margins.
[ ] spontaneously combusting executives.
[ ] competing Japanese PC's recently being sold for $49.95 on Tokyo streetcorners.
[ ] a shortage of unused numbers for 187 planned new Performa models.
[ ] a huge overstock of seven-inch grayscale monitors in the supply channel.
"Hey, Newton sales were picking up momentum, and 15 inch color monitors were hot sellers, so we figured something in between would round out the product line nicely," whined an anonymous former Apple marketing employee spotted in the Cupertino unemployment line.
In a recent memo to Apple employees, Apple CEO Michael Spindler outlined a plan
to streamline operations by reorganizing the company into
[ ] three major geographic divisions.
[ ] several divisions specialized by function.
[ ] two dozen project-oriented divisions.
[ ] 13,000 micro-divisions, each with a unique marketing focus.
[ ] three separate WHOLLY owned Subsidiaries.
Each new division will now
[ ] be responsible for its own bottom line.
[ ] share and contribute to the overall bottom line.
[ ] compete against all the other divisions for fun and profit.
[ ] draft its own constitution and secede from the union.
Apple spokesperson Ike Cantell was quoted as saying "Apple cannot comment on
[ ] unannounced mergers.
[ ] unannounced products.
[ ] unannounced new vice-presidents.
[ ] announced ex-vice-presidents.
[ ] anything which has been discussed in MacWeek during the preceding six months.
But if they WERE involved in merger discussions, do you think they'd tell ME? What do I look like, a MacWeek reporter? I don't have any of those cute little mugs to bribe anyone, you know... all I have is this stinkin' little pink slip I found on my chair this morning. Now get out of my face."
Michael Spindler has not been seen outside his office for days and could not be
reached for comment.