[HUMOR] Deep Thoughts
Mark Q. Maxham (max@research.apple.com)
Wed, 25 Sep 1996 17:35:37 -0600 (MDT)
>> >> From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
>> >> "DeepThoughts"
>> >> by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live. Winning entrants are at
>> >> the end:
>> >>
>> >> Honorable Mentions:
>> >>
>> >> My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
>> >> get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
>> >> guess I should have told him the truth-- that most of us go to
>> >> Hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him.
>> >>
>> >> It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
>> >> birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
>> >> have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
>> >> December 26, just for the long weekends.
>> >>
>> >> Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
>> >> letting just any old yokel vote.
>> >>
>> >> Home is where the house is.
>> >>
>> >> Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
>> >> teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
>> >>
>> >> You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him gargle.
>> >>
>> >> As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside
>> >> a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a
>> >> couple of days saved up.
>> >>
>> >> It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
>> >> accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
>> >> it, the blood would be right there.
>> >>
>> >> Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
>> >> accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
>> >>
>> >> The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who
>> >> think it odd that I drive without pants.
>> >>
>> >> For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
>> >> Then the astronauts found that the moon as really a big hard
>> >> rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
>> >>
>> >> Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine
>> >> if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
>> >> biggest number you could come up with!
>> >>
>> >> I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
>> >> Halloween.
>> >>
>> >> The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
>> >> maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
>> >> or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
>> >> was speeding?"
>> >>
>> >> Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
>> >> no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
>> >> needed them, right?
>> >>
>> >> When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
>> >> better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
>> >>
>> >> I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
>> >> is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who
>> >> wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
>> >>
>> >> I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as some
>> >> people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
>> >> sucks.
>> >>
>> >> Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
>> >> about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
>> >>
>> >> If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy,
>> >> add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot
>> >> com.
>> >>
>> >> I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
>> >> dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave
>> >> away all of his stuff.
>> >> Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
>> >>
>> >> THIRD RUNNER UP
>> >>
>> >> I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
>> >> that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only
>> >> source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake
>> >> gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes
>> >> there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone
>> >> died.
>> >>
>> >> SECOND RUNNER UP
>> >>
>> >> I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
>> >> was just a lawn mower.
>> >>
>> >> FIRST RUNNER UP
>> >>
>> >> I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
>> >> myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly,
>> >> I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the
>> >> national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the
>> >> constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the
>> >> country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a
>> >> copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
>> >> many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
>> >> table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp
>> >> with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting
>> >> farts.
>> >>
>> >> WINNER
>> >>
>> >> If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
>> >> world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
>> >> be, until the looting started.
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