CONFIDENTIAL MEMOS TV EXECUTIVES WISH THEY HADN'T WRITTEN Authentic messages compiled by Leonard B. Stern and Diane L. Robison
To L.S. Unfortunately, we are forced to put your program on hiatus. It has elements of quality for which we can't find an audience.
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The celery may be construed as phallic. Use broccoli.
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Is it possible to improve the caliber of writing without doing a disservice to the show's popularity and excellent demographics?
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I think you're making a mistake having so many French involved in the production of Les Miserables.
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Please consider changing Norton's occupation. You can't expect people to watch a sewer worker while they're having dinner.
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TO: The Producers FROM: V.P. Current Programming RE: The Fred Astaire Special Too much dancing.
***** On page 39, we can hear, but do not see, pigeon droppings.
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Please disregard the notes we were unable to send you.
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TO: Pearl Buck FROM: VP, Development RE: Script about the Bible There's nothing of interest here.
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Remember, our lead is an Indian. In the scenes in which he runs through the streets and across Central Park, make sure he runs appropriate to an Indian.
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To all concerned: From now on, eliminate Roman numerals on any cue cards. Undoubtedly, this is why the line was read "And now, a few nostalgic songs from World War Eleven.".
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Can we make the rabbi less Jewish?
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How committed are you to this Oscar Wilde fellow? If you want him to do the first draft, it's all right with me.
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Regarding your inquiry as to my reaction to the script. I don't know. I'm the only one who has read it.
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This draft doesn't work. Unfortunately, the script is strikingly similar to the material from which it was adapted.
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Try to get writers who have never written before.
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To: Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds From: VP, Current Programming Re: MASH Please clear your calendar for lunch on Friday. I need to explain how you guys keep screwing up M.A.S.H..
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The license fee for the use of "Happy Birthday" is prohibitively expensive. Could Ralph celebrate Alice's birthday by singing "For He's A Jolly Good WOMAN"??
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Please avoid anything morbid, inappropriate or detrimental to his image in the display of the dead, gay midget lying under the toilet.
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We must de-emphasize violence this season. Make the room red so the blood won't show.
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Please clear the use of the name Princess Diana with her or her equivalent.
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To: Robert Guenette From: VP, Development Re: A documentary about the American Indian Family. I'd love to do such a picture but, as we both know, not enough Indians have TV sets.
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Do you have to show the dailies every day?
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In the upcoming episode, please eliminate any unflattering reference to the Teamsters. We've yet to finish our negotiations with them.
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To whom it may concern: Contrary to the Producers Guild of America's position on gray listing, we do not practice age discrimination. Many of our writers are in their late thirties.