HUMOR: Stages of Life
James Blair (jamesb@apple.com)
Tue, 11 Mar 1997 08:29:41 -0800
> ***The Stages of Life***
>
> THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 beer
> 25 beer
> 35 vodka
> 48 double vodka
> 66 Maalox
>
> SEDUCTION LINE
>
> 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
> 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
> 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
> 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
> 66 My second wife is dead.
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
> 17 sex
> 25 sex
> 35 sex
> 48 sex
> 66 napping
>
> DRUG OF CHOICE
> 17 pot
> 25 coke
> 35 really good coke
> 48 power
> 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "tongue"
> 25 "breakfast"
> 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
> 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
> 66 "Got home alive."
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 getting to third
> 25 airplane sex
> 35 menage a trois
> 48 taking the company public
> 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
>
> HOUSE PET
> 17 roaches
> 25 stoned-out college roommate
> 35 Irish setter
> 48 children from his first marriage
> 66 Barbi
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 25
> 25 35
> 35 48
> 48 66
> 66 17
>
> IDEAL DATE
> 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
> 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
> 35 "Just come over."
> 48 "Just come over and cook."
> 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
>
> ------------------------------------------
>
> THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 Wine Coolers
> 25 White wine
> 35 Red wine
> 48 Dom Perignon
> 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
>
> EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
>
> 17 Need to wash my hair
> 25 Need to need wash and condition my hair
> 35 Need to color my hair
> 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
> 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> DRUG OF CHOICE
>
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
> 17 "Burger King"
> 25 "Free meal"
> 35 "A diamond"
> 48 "A bigger diamond"
> 66 "Home Alone"
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
>
> 17 tall, dark and handsome
> 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 a man with hair
> 66 a man
>
> HOUSE PET
>
> 17 Muffy the cat
> 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
> 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
> 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
> 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
> Muffy the Cat
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> 17 17
> 25 25
> 35 35
> 48 48
> 66 66
>
> IDEAL DATE
>
> 17 He offers to pay
> 25 He pays
> 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 He can chew breakfast
___________________________________________________________________________
James Blair Apple Computer Ltd.
Manager of Cork Software R&D Cork, Ireland
email: jamesb@apple.com phone: int'l 011-353-21-284-988
___________________________________________________________________________